Honestly, I’m Scared
It’s 1:49am, and I’m still awake trying to write a content I couldn’t get a hang of for the past 1 month — yes one month, yikes.
I don’t know what happened, I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything, I’m losing my shit, I’m trying so hard to get myself together but the truth is I’m scared.
I got dumped on the 7th of July, I couldn’t believe it. I still remember how shocked I was that morning when he said “if you ask me, this relationship is headed no where.”
My fairytale relationship is headed no where! What?!
Three months of trying to be a perfect girlfriend is heading no where — shit!
And that was the beginning.
After my breakup, I decided not to cry and stay strong like the Aquarius that I am, I had a perfect idea — I’d drown myself in work and become the best version of myself — he’s gonna regret it lol😂
I started posting on LinkedIn everyday, pitching clients, taking courses, applying for jobs, doing everything but one thing — healing.
I wasn’t healing, and for some weird reason, I didn’t wanna heal.
I thought I had my shit together — my LinkedIn profile was finally coming up, I started a podcast, I finished some many courses, I landed a writing gig with a Saas company, I landed another with a well-known publication, I did so many job interviews and I was on my way to becoming that girl that rose over her ex.
But I wasn’t healing and soon I couldn’t conceal the pain, so it started manifesting. I didn’t wanna get up in the morning anymore, I couldn’t journal anymore, I didn’t wanna work, and I started doubting myself; what if I fail, how would I make him pay?
Wait, what if I fail?
Wait, what if I fail?
I thought about this so much and it began to manifest in my reality.
I submitted an article, and my editor sent it back to me because I had written rubbish. I’m not a great writer but I don’t write rubbish, how did it happen?
The voices in my head started again;
Am I failing?
Am I failing? How would he pay if I fail?
I tried to re-write the article but it still didn’t turn out well.
But that was the least of my problems lol, I started getting erratic, angry, sensitive, and bitter.
I couldn’t go a day without fighting with myself.
This isn’t me, I promise, but I couldn’t stop doing it either. What is wrong with me?
It was at that point I realized I hadn’t healed.
I needed to heal. I want to heal.
I don’t know what to write anymore lol
I am going to heal. I don’t want to hate you anymore, I don’t want to hate him anymore. I want to release myself and stop being scared.
I’m all over the place, but I just needed to write something.
**I’ll post this article un-edited for the first time in my life 😂**