Honestly, I’m Scared

It’s 1:49am, and I’m still awake trying to write a content I couldn’t get a hang of for the past 1 month — yes one month, yikes.

I don’t know what happened, I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything, I’m losing my shit, I’m trying so hard to get myself together but the truth is I’m scared.

Backstory…

I got dumped on the 7th of July, I couldn’t believe it. I still remember how shocked I was that morning when he said “if you ask me, this relationship is headed no where.”

My fairytale relationship is headed no where! What?!

Three months of trying to be a perfect girlfriend is heading no where — shit!

And that was the beginning.

After my breakup, I decided not to cry and stay strong like the Aquarius that I am, I had a perfect idea — I’d drown myself in work and become the best version of myself — he’s gonna regret it lol😂

I started posting on LinkedIn everyday, pitching clients, taking courses, applying for jobs, doing everything but one thing — healing.

I wasn’t healing, and for some weird reason, I didn’t wanna heal.

I thought I had my shit together — my LinkedIn profile was finally coming up, I started a podcast, I finished some many courses, I landed a writing gig with a Saas company, I landed another with a well-known publication, I did so many job interviews and I was on my way to becoming that girl that rose over her ex.

But I wasn’t healing and soon I couldn’t conceal the pain, so it started manifesting. I didn’t wanna get up in the morning anymore, I couldn’t journal anymore, I didn’t wanna work, and I started doubting myself; what if I fail, how would I make him pay?

Wait, what if I fail?

Wait, what if I fail?

I thought about this so much and it began to manifest in my reality.

I submitted an article, and my editor sent it back to me because I had written rubbish. I’m not a great writer but I don’t write rubbish, how did it happen?

The voices in my head started again;

Am I failing?

Am I failing? How would he pay if I fail?

I tried to re-write the article but it still didn’t turn out well.

But that was the least of my problems lol, I started getting erratic, angry, sensitive, and bitter.

I couldn’t go a day without fighting with myself.

This isn’t me, I promise, but I couldn’t stop doing it either. What is wrong with me?

It was at that point I realized I hadn’t healed.

I needed to heal. I want to heal.

I don’t know what to write anymore lol

I am going to heal. I don’t want to hate you anymore, I don’t want to hate him anymore. I want to release myself and stop being scared.

I’m all over the place, but I just needed to write something.

**I’ll post this article un-edited for the first time in my life 😂**